The 9 types of beach cricketer
Author: The Simple Bit
Category: Short Cuts
We’re heading into Beach Cricket season, where (probably) millions of us will take to the sandy crease. But with all of those players can be boiled down to 9 types. So which one are you? The Nightwatchman? The Peacock? The Druncle?
The simple bits:
- Beach cricket is the purest form of the game
- Don’t argue with us, it just is
- There are 9 beach cricket types
- Which one are you?
Some would say that the purest form of cricket is the five-day game. They’d be wrong.
The purest form of cricket is played with a tennis ball half-wrapped in electrical tape with that old Gunn & Moore bat you got for your eleventh birthday – the one that you lovingly knocked in sitting in front of Home & Away and is now more bog than wood. For the millions of Aussies who take to the sand every summer to have a bash, there are only nine types of player. Which one are you?
1. The Serious Dad
Serious Dad is here to win. Serious Dad pulls no punches, bowls no slow balls and makes no allowances for the size or still-developing gross motor skills of his offspring. Serious Dad knows that you don’t do anyone any favours by going soft on them. In his prime, Serious Dad was probably a Second XI tail-ender at best, and now is his time to make up for being unfairly overlooked. Tell you what though: he sledges at an international level.
2. The Peacock
AKA the Human Highlight Reel, The Peacock is only interested in doing something if it’s spectacular. No quick singles for The Peacock. Two hands on the ball is one hand too many. The Peacock’s favoured fielding position is right on the waterline, where their leaps for epic catches will end in a satisfying splash. The Peacock will retire to the pavilion early, shortly after being called on to bowl. There are only so many 50m run-ups a player has in them.
3. The Liability
The scientific community is divided as to whether The Liability is a species of Serious Dad or in fact belongs to its own genus. The Liability is distinguished by his or her talent for catastrophe – their ability to let their enthusiasm get the better of them and cause damage to person and property. Most dangerous at bat, The Liability specialises in delivering a straight drive to the old clackers, but is equally adept at destroying picnic lunches, bowling Douglas Jardine-style bodyline and tripping over sunbathers in the field.
Keep The Liability’s wicket from a safe distance.
4. The Nightwatchman
The Nightwatchman is the anti-peacock. He or she has only one card in their hand and will play it relentlessly: the block. They will block. And block. And block. And continue to block until you hate them, you hate cricket, you hate the beach and you hate even the idea of sport.
5. The Druncle
Here comes trouble! Life’s not meant to be taken too seriously. Look how chilled out The Druncle is! He’s holding a beer! While playing sport! What a larrikin! The Druncle’s novelty t-shirt says “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me that a frontal lobotomy”. Unfortunately, it may be too late.
6. The Daydream Believer
In an ideal world, the Daydream Believer wouldn’t even be at the beach, but now that they’re here they would like to be left alone in the shade with their book or device and you could refrain from talking to them and please keep the sand away that’d be great. K Thx Bai.
But here they are, forced to participate in team sportsball, most likely by a Serious Dad, and they are determined to do the bare minimum. Their greatest fear is that a ball might come their way and that they might catch it, which would mean they end up at the crease, so they “field” as far from the action as possible.
7. The 13th Man
Whilst The Peacock and The Serious Dad like a spot of beach cricket because it gives them the chance to live out their dreams of sporting glory, The 13th Man is living out a fantasy of a different stripe. The 13th Man wants to be a commentator.
The 13th Man is the beach version of that guy who turns up to the costume party as Austin Powers so he can cover up his inability to hold a normal human conversation by describing everything as “Groovy Baby” for the entire evening.
He or she will piece together the running commentary of the entire game entirely from hilarious outtakes of all six 12th Man albums. He or she will take it extremely personally if you do not laugh at the appropriate times.
8. The Stickler
The rules are there for a reason. They’re there so we can all have a good time. And just because we’re all at the beach, relaxing, “enjoying ourselves” doesn’t make them any less important. That was a clear LBW and the umpire’s decision is final. Don’t turn on the waterworks. That might work at kinder, but it won’t get you anywhere with me.
9. The Doggo
The doggo was not invited, but is going to play anyway. The doggo is an extremely good boy. The doggo will never ask to bat or bowl, and he will always go after the runaway ball. The doggo is the best.